Mom - I Wish I Knew You Better

I've been thinking about my mom a lot. Mom has always been a fighter with strong opinions and, often, an untamed tongue. Up until a few months ago she took care of her own checkbook and managed her own investments. She will be 93 next month. She fought to keep her independence and always made her own decisions about her life - when to sell the farm, when to give up her driver's license and sell her car, when to move into assisted living, and yes, when to move into the nursing home. She always said she would never move to a nursing home, but when the time came, she made the decision - on her timetable and in her own way. She moved in six months ago today. And she is failing. In those six months she went from taking care of herself within her own room to needing assistance even with using the bathroom. Her walking during physical therapy is half what it was. Her hearing is getting even worse. It is getting harder for her to stay focused on a train of thought during a conversation. Worse of all, it seems like she has quit fighting, quit caring, and has lost interest in nearly everything. Is it because she has lost what little control she wanted? Is there nothing more for her to live for? Not long ago she was buying blouses, buying dolls, eating with friends, going shopping at the grocery store and at Walmart. Now she eats a little, sleeps a little, watches TV a little, sleeps a little, reads a little, sleeps a little...and waits for the next visitor or the next phone call. I wonder what she thinks about. Is she revisiting happier and healthier times in her mind? Or is she longing to be released from this life and join Oscar on the other side? Is she dreaming anything during her many segments of sleep? I wish I knew. I wish I could be there with her - even if only to sit quietly in her room so she wouldn't spend so much time alone. I wish she wasn't so old. And, sometimes, I wish she would just quietly and painlessly cross over.....