Friday, August 6, 2010

Beyond My Control

She feels so helpless ... and so angry. She feels so despondent ... and so vulnerable. It is a terrible position to be in. As hard as it is to see my mom's body deteriorating right before my eyes, the hardest part is seeing the struggle of her spirit. She is completely dependent on others for the very basics of life. And "others" are busy, they are in a hurry, they have time lines to meet. Some are very kind, others are impatient. Some take time for her to express her thoughts, others finish her sentences for her or ignore her. Too many patronize her. She feels de-valued.

The body is failing fast. How can it not, when she takes in so few calories and drinks so little? It is getting harder to tell a story; there are more and more mistakes in what she says. Her skin on her lower legs looks like a bad burn. Her toes and fingers are cold and blue. She sleeps a lot. Sometimes she will rally for awhile and seem "better". But it doesn't last long anymore. She hates what is happening to her, but is powerless to change it.

My heart breaks to see this happening to such a strong woman. My prayer has become, "Lord, release her. Bring this devastation to an end." Meanwhile, all I can do is be there, listen to her, advocate for her, let her know that she is not alone.


  1. Audrey, I feel for you. I went through the exact experience with my parents--right down to the deterioration of their skin. So sad. I, too, pray for her release sooner rather than later. Love to you both, Lisa Bjornstad

  2. Our hearts are with you. When He is ready and Viola is ready, she will go. Why we have periods of living through suffering we will never completely understand. Somehow it makes us better for the experience whether its in the middle, beginning, or end of our lives. We are praying for you as you live through this difficult time.